why my parent's lying borders on insanity, even though she was so smart

my grandmother was scarred by the war. she was afraid food would end, and she could not handle the going to air raid shelter with kids. she got paranoia. if both parent had not drank at all, it would have gone ok. what really happened, was that the grandmother's own father was drunk and violent and had separate life at another town, and the grandmothers husband was the same. she was scarred more, by what the husband did. she tried to therapy herself, by reading horror stories about bloody crimes. the things that had been done during the war, colored what was really a process of babymemories resurfacing in her husband. she needed to stop following the shit news and write and draw about her past. understand that she was very gentle, and things were too violent. like all people then i think she was very affected by what the neighbours and church people and clerks or anyone at all thought. she wanted to be fancier, and middle class, and it just wasn't gonna happen with a drunk husband. she was too passionate about "getting into the next class". she died very early.

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example: i walk into classroom
unpleasant memories in real life, not art

-memory works suddenly randomly; words that are connected with crisis events come out instead of something useful, the feeling that anything will come out of your mouth makes things worse

-muscles, especially facial muscles do not respond to thinking. memories and emotions have a strange relationship to facial tissue, they somehow develop in tandem. this problem is just the same as with shyness. the two are difficult to separate.

-the body has trouble handling sight and nerve information, the person feels jumpy and can do strange things like bump into things, drop things, shake uncontrollably. If fast movement is required, like school physical education, it is completely impossible

-what i learned later: this is normal teen behaviour. but when no one is puhing the teen violently to do things at a faster pace than they want, it doesn't escalate like this.

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this for not-normal people, some functions are damaged because of your past (maybe a certain pertange of women are always like this even in developed countries, or it could be alchoholism or addiction related and then there is real genetic change)

this is not nice list. memory was approached only through pain.

noise and music and memories bypasses some brain functions. the idea here is probably to work toward real voice sounds, the voice of "mother" and "father". music can reach "this is exciting" feelings for many people, which is fulfilling. let's say you don't own your apartment, and you still feel happy when you listen to music or try to learn to play yourself.

i have here my own thoughts on music, sounds are specific to someone's home and country.

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imagination is combined with memory. there is no straight path to only facts. the thing is, do you have to know something is dangerous, to have it stored? this thought has several different parts. in videos i noticed that guilt is a greater superstructure than many other things, the greatest power is female guilt. men seem to think of a leader, but they are born with this and it gets worse as they age. on the other hand, men have a spacial map in their head, which is preprogrammed and always available. so there are modifications to memories of happenings also later on.

perfect life her in the nordics, stil produces nerve damage and mind disorders. also, it is often impossible to help relatives, who have problems. so, then we might have people, who have the same set of disorders, but one has seen modern war and the other is just sort of lazy.

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Notes for painting a teenage nightmare of meat

I will try first a color plan, with the same colors as the waxy grapes. In the fore front is a big area of meat, and it is grey, then is a deepre area, that is golden, and then something something.

Drawing needs to be converted into the color language. The lemon is not in the front because it is drawn detailed, it is in the front because it is somehow in contrast to the background. Heem, orange pitcher is very pale and hard and lemon is only slightly more exciting.

we are doing a drawing and color plan. They are for planning a painting. Paintings used wikipedia Grão Vasco circumcision (charcoal refers to daylight colors), Jan Davidsz de Heem first with lemon (not his) (light colored object infront of light background, not black) or other with lemon (grey detailing on grapes at front of painting). Trying to imagine some brownish background. Subject of painting is meat. Grão Vasco painting is a streched version of still life composition. Imagine a small charcoal sauna, the normal still life area is the middle section.

Probably it is possible to break the link between remembered threat and the thing it is connected to. example: something comes after you, and it is dark. Strangely childhood mirror images are somehow important here.

dancing can bring movement memories.

strangely there are mirror memories and memories associated with certain people.

Biology of sensory systems (c.u.m. smith) this book had a text, which said that when a new skill is learned, the brains make space for it by making something else smaller. if a person is learning nothing, then some common task, like pointing at a device fills all fo the usable area completely.